Finding, Building and Keeping Happiness

Two recent posts on HuffPost caught my attention, one by Arianna Huffington and the other by Marcus Buckingham. Both had to do with the general decline in perceived happiness among women in the U.S. over the last thirty years or so. Meanwhile the men seem to have gotten happier over the same period. My first question was "Why?" and my first clue was the difference between the genders. Of course the late sixties and early seventies saw the rise of "Flower Power", the mass burning of bras and free sex; all of which was supposed to make life a lot better and happier than before. It seems to have worked for the guys but not so much for the girls and I thought maybe it would be wise to back up a little to help understand why.

It turns out I had to back up a lot. Men and women are hard wired to perform different roles, both necessary to the survival of the species and both leading humans to become the dominant species on the planet. Men are trained by evolution to be the protectors and the leaders in every group from the family to the largest enterprise yet constructed by humans. Women have evolved as the producers and nurturers of the next generation. For the success of the species, both roles are necessary and each has resulted in the imposition of certain imperatives at the core. What we might term "common practice" is now more truly instinct. What this leads to is the sense among men that she will look after the cave and the kids and he will do the hunting and protect the entrance to the cave.

I do realise that I am painting this picture with a very wide brush and perhaps ignoring the fact that the instinctive skill set in women does have value in the wider world. Organising a modern home is no walk in the park and requires attention to detail and thoroughness that most men just don't have naturally. Even in a modern office it is mostly the women who do the heavy lifting, the detail work required to make the boss and the company look good. Women bring order and logic to almost every task they are given and men take the credit and the big salaries. In other words, most women in the work place are seriously undervalued and exploited. Were men treated that way, they would aggressively look for a better position and usually find it.

Therein lies the difference. Men are hard wired to be aggressive and women are hard wired to be submissive. What that does is put the responsibility for a woman's happiness in the hands of a man who is woefully ill equipped to give it except occasionally. My advice to women is to take back that responsibility. The truth is that only one person has the ability to give you lasting happiness and that is you! I can hear the outcry now from every woman in a close relationship; "That's his job!" Sorry, but it is not and it is not your job to make him happy!

So, how does anyone fix being unhappy?

Step 1, You must acknowledge within yourself who you are. That involves and honest appraisal of you as a person. You will find that there are parts of you that you like, parts you don't like and parts you absolutely hate. Let me make it clear that I am not talking about those things you can see with your eyes. There may be things about yourself that don't look good to you, that you may want to change. For now, put all of those on the back burner and think more about how you might come across to another, family, friends, acquaintances or people you are meeting for the first time. Figure out what it is about you that will attract most other people and what will repel them. Keep the former, change the latter and change how you act and react to others. Do not seek perfection, but never give up improving yourself.

Step 2, Understand the difference between being "In Love" and "Loving". Being "In Love" is a condition where you feel the need to have another say "I love you". True love is the irresistable desire to give to another with no expectation of a gift to you. If true love is not returned, it will die. What can save true love is open, honest communincation between two people. Love includes mutual respect both ways and frequently demonstrated. If a woman asks her lover if the slacks she bought make her botoom look big, she should expect an honest appraisal from him. Taking him to task for honesty is a love killer.

If you can successfully do those two steps, you are more likely to be happy and to get even happier over time. You can also use variations of those two steps looking for a job or career, What do you have to bring to the job and can you give those talents freely? Of course a reasonable salary must be a part of that agreement as well.

Wether or not an individual is happy is about the choices that individual makes which seems to indicate that women have been making bad choices since the late sixties. Men seem to have been doing somewhat better.